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[Tuesday
December 15th, 2009 ] |
you stopped being good for me a long time ago,
hurting over you was something i learned to ignore,
and i held on for so long that it became a part of me.
but i'll be just fine without you.
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[Tuesday
November 17th, 2009 ] |
you're just so good at putting your arms around me,
i pretended to forget how much you love to break my heart.
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[Friday
October 16th, 2009 ] |
it hasn't stopped raining all day.
and all day people have flooded the internet with their sun wishes.
i happen to love rainy days.
especially when i have the entire day off and have no obligations to pull me from the house.
i love to lazy around in bundles of cozy fabrics, keeping the music low so i can still hear the rain,
working on my little secret projects, and nestling my face into my big silly cat's belly.
today hasn't been a waste at all.
in fact, i'm feeling rather refreshed.
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[Tuesday
October 13th, 2009 ] |
solitary evenings filled with sigur rós...
longing for the mountains. and snow.
and someone to keep me warm at night.
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[Monday
September 14th, 2009 ] |
look at how they flock to him from an isle of open sores,
he knows that the taste is such to die for...
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[Sunday
September 13th, 2009 ] |
i really need to get it together.
right now it's like i can't do anything right.
we'll find out if this was all a big mistake soon enough...
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[Tuesday
September 8th, 2009 ] |
violence only shows how much you care.
if you have the opportunity to get your hands on the album
'hands like guns and crashing sounds' by the december drive...
it will be worth so much more than the trouble you go through to find it.
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[Sunday
August 23rd, 2009 ] |
Nothing in the world is permanent,
and we're foolish when we ask anything to last,
but surely we're still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it.
If change is of the essence of existence one would have thought it only sensible
to make it the premise of our philosophy.
William Somerset Maugham - The Razor's Edge, 1943
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[Sunday
August 23rd, 2009 ] |
i tremble.
last night, a resolution was reached.
tristan and i concluded our final middle of the night
back and forth bantering on the clinton street stoop at 430 this morning.
we understand eachother and we're starting over.
he's a beautiful, complex individual.
we come from completely different backgrounds,
yet we're so alike in certain ways, we just drive eachother crazy.
last night we were drunk enough to be comfortable with telling the truth,
but were sober enough to illustrate what we had been feeling accurately.
i think we're gonna be okay.
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[Thursday
August 20th, 2009 ] |
something about the sexy italian man in vicky christina barcelona reminds me of keith.
maybe it's his eyes. or the fact that he talks about making love constantly.
at any rate, watching that movie... i thought about him for two hours.
something was missing with the two of us.
it certainly wasn't passion, that's what made it so dangerous.
there really was a time when i sincerely believed i was going to spend my life loving him.
we were both dreamers. we followed our hearts and had no use for rationality.
we lived and loved so carelessly, so recklessly. maybe that was the problem.
so now i overthink each and every facet of my life. even the simplest situations.
and i feel like the crazy girl who dissects life until there's nothing left and it becomes something else.
i've always felt so strongly about appreciating everything for what it is, what it was, and leaving it at that.
until recently, i didn't realize that, somewhere along the line, i stopped doing that.
i still hold fast to the same beliefs, but my habits have changed, i've adapted to something else...
example: i picked the tristan thing apart, prodded at him, until, regardless of his initial reasoning, i pushed him away.
i couldn't accept that someone was telling me the truth. i refused to believe that i had met a man with a broken heart.
not one thing he said has proven false, and thinking about it now, i'm embarrassed at my reaction.
all i wanted to hear was that he wasn't into me, so i could push him to the back of my mind like the others.
but that wasn't it. and it wasn't enough. but he wouldn't hurt me.
i loved tristan right away. he made his way into my heart with little effort.
i saw him as a kindred spirit, one of those people i needed to know and have in my life in any capacity.
he made me so nervous, yet he made me feel so at ease, i could feel him and i just loved the way i felt when i was near him.
in him, i found someone i could talk to and trust, and i hope i offered him that same comfort.
now i'm afraid i've lost my friend. and there's really nothing i can do about that.
i'm not even concerned that he'll read this entry or the others. i'm fairly positive he's only checked my journal that one time...
if there were some way to start over, to come to an understanding about what each of us needed from the other without exposing ourselves to some intense, drawn out conversation, if we could reach a conclusion... i'd be up for it.
i was happy when things were slow, and i followed his lead through each step, thinking he wouldn't take it if he weren't ready.
but if things could go back to the way they were that first week... if we had occasional sleepovers and swam on our days off... i'd be happy.
i'm pretty sure that opportunity has came and went. and i think that's what i think about the most.
i miss him.
"i hold your hand and you've kissed me; if these things don't make us friends, nothing ever will."
-excerpt from bram stoker's dracula.
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[Wednesday
August 19th, 2009 ] |
i usually have too much to say, there are so many things on my mind at once.
and i'll talk in circles till i've expressed them all, or have realized the point i'm trying to reach.
if i sounded like a song, or a song sounded like how i feel... it'd be this one.
i couldn't say it any better.
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[Tuesday
August 18th, 2009 ] |
some girls seek a man with a nice car and a real job,
a man who can provide a sense of security.
others like buzz cuts and tribal tattoos...
i have a thing for tortured souls.
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[Sunday
August 16th, 2009 ] |
You're chatting to me like we connect
But I don't even know if we're still friends.
It's so confusing, understanding you is making me not want to do
The things that I know I should do.
But I trip fast and then I lose,
And I hate looking like a fool.
I just want your kiss, boy.
The lights are on and someone's home,
But I'm not sure if they're alone.
There's someone else inside my head,
Living there to fill me with dread.
This paranoia is distressing
And I spend most of my nights guessing...
I'm not in love...
I just want to be touched...
I just want your kiss, boy.
Whoops I think I got too close
Cuz now he's telling me I'm the girl that he likes most.
Now I'm messed up,
It's not the first time.
I'm not saying you're not on my mind,
I hope that you don't think I'm unkind...
but I just want your kiss, boy.
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[Saturday
August 15th, 2009 ] |
this is pouring rain, this is paralyzed.
just listen to #9 on our bedtime cd.
because i have no real words for this.
i don't want to talk about it anymore,
i hate when it comes up in conversation,
and that i feel like everytime i see you,
it feels awkward at first because there's a chance
we're going to have a serious discussion that ultimately will get us nowhere
because we talk in circles and then you have to absorb it for a few days
and never get back to me on the subject because by then it's too late.
you're so painfully considerate and it gets on my nerves.
just do something for yourself for once.
because this back and forth is dizzying.
if time is what you need, i can do that.
i'm not saying i'll wait, but i'll be mindful of my actions.
and our simple whispered phrases will not go forgotten.
but it it's friendship you want, and only that... i can handle it.
and all that went on pause when we began, i'll resume.
no harm, no foul. sometimes it just can't work.
but days before contact and weeks between visits...
and i'm beginning to hate this.
now i'm thinking of something new, when this barely got a chance.
JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.
so that i can make my move.
is it friendship you seek... or is it time.
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[Wednesday
August 12th, 2009 ] |
what a beautiful face i have found in this place that is circling all round the sun
and when we meet on a cloud i'll be laughing aloud, i'll be laughing at everyone i see.
my favorite person in the world left this earth on august 1, 2009.
he was eighty years old.
he taught me how to swim. and to ride a bike.
and he flew all the way to idaho to teach me how to drive stick shift on black ice.
most things i learned from him, he taught without words.
my grandfather lead by example.
he never said a negative word about anybody.
and i never saw him lose his temper.
he lived his life freely and simply.
and he respected everything for what it was.
he was sincere in everything he did, meant every word he said.
pop was always there, ready to clean up my bloody knees.
(neosporin was 'pop pops magic cream' and we went through a lot of it)
but he never let me see when i worried him.
and i know i did.
he never gave me advice unless i asked for it,
or made me feel bad about the many mistakes that i've made.
he supported all of my decisions and ambitions.
he really loved me.
and he left me with so many amazing memories.
it'll never get easy living in a world without my grandfather.
we had a special bond that exceeded the sentiment of words.
but because of that relationship, because of that love, i am who i am.
and i will never lose that. i will never lose him.
i am a limb of the legacy he created. and he will never be forgotten.
how strange it is to be anything at all.
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[Wednesday
August 12th, 2009 ] |
well, the outsiders sure had it right.
nothing gold can stay, pony boy.
i crave that this void be filled so badly,
i choose to ignore what's really happening
and only see what i need to see
in order to make my hopes a reality.
and when the delusion doesn't survive,
it doesn't hurt.
at least not like it would were it real.
i'm not mad at you.
and i must be really thick...
because i still don't totally get it.
it would almost be easier to take if you just weren't into me.
i don't understand what i'm feeling right now.
maybe... empty. definitely lonely...
absolutely wishing we could go back to being naked again soon.
i think when one goes from having nothing,
to the exposure of something new and exciting,
the urge to overindulge is not uncommon...
but i grow weary of such routine.
and other facets of my life need attention.
i just got myself back...
i'm just so tired of sleeping alone.
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[Saturday
July 18th, 2009 ] |
dear tristan,
if you ever find this like you say you will... enjoy reading the silly little things i've written about you.
i'm not going to erase or make any of the entries private; it is what it is.
nothing you will read here should come as a surprise to you, as you've got the 'say it' game down to a science.
i enjoy your arms wrapped around me.
and the fact that you spend so much time figuring me out.
i enjoy the way you close your eyes when i touch you,
the way we lay and stare at eachother, and the fact that we kiss exactly the same.
i adore the fact that you're so concerned about doing this right,
and that, not only are you easily the most polite man i've ever met, but a true gentleman.
i adore every silly little quirk about you, even the ones you think i'll find nerdy or unattractive,
i appreciate you for who and what you are, and i can't wait for you to teach me how to shoot a bow. :)
i find i'm steadily more and more into you each day,
you're completely different from anyone i've ever met... your attitude, your habits, your beliefs...
i've always found you to be very intriguing; i don't think you're boring at all.
in fact, all my favorite nights with you thus far have been the ones spent laughing in bed with you and your precious cat.
this is exactly what i want. it just feels so right.
it's nice to just relax, and know we'll get to where we wanna be by doing so little.
so lets stay a while, baby, and see where the night leads us.
xoxo
c
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[Wednesday
July 15th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
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smitten. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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yeah yeah yeahs |
] |
this week has been absolutely wonderful.
i forgot what it felt like to be so consistently happy.
i'll always be happy to kiss you, promise i'll never get sad.
tuesday( ... )
wednesday( ... )
thursday( ... )
friday( ... )
saturday( ... )
sunday( ... )
monday( ... )
tuesday( ... )
wednesday is here and we're going swimming at his parents house.
i can't wait for him to get off work, i just feel better when i'm standing next to him. it's strange.
i'll be good, i think i could be all you would want and more and more.
i've been legit single for almost a year and a half.
i've met other guys, thought i liked them, that they were what i wanted,
but they were always unattainable in some way,
they were all the same in so many different angles,
there was always an excuse, an explanation...
and i think i did that on purpose.
none of them were a threat to me, they never got close enough to hurt me.
tristan is real. he's a real, tangible person.
he's different from everyone i've ever dated.
and he's everything i've been saying i'm ready for.
no excuses or rationalizations, there's nothing to explain.
it is what it is, and it's exactly what i want. it's wonderful. he's wonderful.
i'll tell every last boy that you're my man, and try not to let you down.
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[Thursday
July 9th, 2009 ] |
last night i went on a real date.
the first real date in a very long time.
with a boy that i've liked for months.
the whole night went really well.
he made all the right gestures and opened all my doors.
we talked for two hours in his car and he didn't make a move.
he asked me out again. we're going out next wednesday.
wednesday wednesday wednesday.
i really like him.
and i'm terrified i'm going to fuck this up.
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i_am_kilroy's journal